Roll with the Changes

Um....if you're reading this...I need to warn you.

This isn't really for you.

Not today.

Oh, I know that my intent has been to try and encourage folks...but I'm not so sure that I'm gonna be able to do that today.

So I'm going to talk to myself for a moment.

Feel free to listen in...I got nothin' to hide. You know what?

Just go ahead and have a seat...whatever....that's fine. Make yourself at home.

As for me...I'm going to pretend that you're not here.

And talk to myself.

You know, to make myself feel better.

Don't you do that?

Wait a second, I'm supposed to be ignoring you. Never mind my questions. They're rhetorical.

Here's the thing, C. I hate being angry.

And lately...I've been very angry.

So I need to get rid of it.

Not the anger. That's just a symptom. That's what you see...like when you've got the stomach flu. No one can SEE the flu....until you're throwing up.

So anger isn't the 'real' problem here...but because it's a symptom of something...I need to look closely at what is making me angry....at the throw up....so to speak.

Is it people?

Hmmmmmmmmmmm...

Is it the way I see myself?

Hmmmmmmmmmmm...

What is it that makes me so angry?

It's simple.

Plain and simple.

But...sigh....I don't know if I want to think about that right now. Let's um...let's change the subject.

I just finished watching "Pay it Forward" on DVD. A really interesting movie. 'Course, I personally adore Kevin Spacey's acting...and you can't go wrong with Haley Joel Osment...and throwing in Jon Bon Jovi? THE Jon Bon Jovi?

Well...all I can say is that someone had me in mind when they made this film.

Tell 'em about the phone call...

I'm....I'm not talking to them. I'm talking to you, remember?

Tell 'em....it's funny!

It's not funny. It's sad. Tragic, kinda. Although I will admit that there's some irony there...

Go on...tell them about the phone call.

Okay...fine.

So I'm watching this movie...about this idea of doing something nice for someone...something that they can't do for themselves...to see what difference it would make in the world...to see if it would make it a better place...

I really don't want to talk about this...

Go on...it'll be fine.

In the middle of the movie, Jacob comes over with the phone. It's the clinic. Now, my daughter had an appt. scheduled at this clinic for tomorrow. Not with a doc...but with a dietitian. The scheduler tells me that our insurance plan doesn't cover dietitians...and bottom line...I have to pay $100 tomorrow out of my pocket or cancel the appt.

So I cancel the appt. We don't have that kind of money to spend on 'advice' right now...I can't justify it in my head.

Hannah is sitting on bed next to me...watching the movie.

"Was that the clinic?" she asks.

"Yes."

"What's going on? Why'd you cancel the appointment?"

I have to stop here....because lately....I've been very angry about everything! And this is just ONE MORE THING! All I've done is remind myself of how much I can screw things up. Of how I don't do enough...or have enough...or care enough...

Enough....enough.....enough.

Sometimes it seems like a losing battle, doesn't it? I mean....sometimes you're trying to "do the right thing"...and you're not able to...to do anything.

So...you know what you do?

I'm asking you. What do you do?

Well...I talk to myself...and by doing that....I change my perspective.

How? With gratitude, forgiveness, and a DQ Blizzard.

No...I'm kidding....kinda.

The Blizzard isn't really that helpful.

Hey, what do you know? Turns out I don't need a dietitian's advice after all!!

Ah...I'm feelin' a little better already.

My friends...you always have a chance to make a difference in someone's life. Will you continue to be angry...to hold back on forgiving...to forget what you do have in your life? Will you focus on the negative?

Or will you change your perspective?