Roll with the Changes

Um....if you're reading this...I need to warn you.

This isn't really for you.

Not today.

Oh, I know that my intent has been to try and encourage folks...but I'm not so sure that I'm gonna be able to do that today.

So I'm going to talk to myself for a moment.

Feel free to listen in...I got nothin' to hide. You know what?

Just go ahead and have a seat...whatever....that's fine. Make yourself at home.

As for me...I'm going to pretend that you're not here.

And talk to myself.

You know, to make myself feel better.

Don't you do that?

Wait a second, I'm supposed to be ignoring you. Never mind my questions. They're rhetorical.

Here's the thing, C. I hate being angry.

And lately...I've been very angry.

So I need to get rid of it.

Not the anger. That's just a symptom. That's what you see...like when you've got the stomach flu. No one can SEE the flu....until you're throwing up.

So anger isn't the 'real' problem here...but because it's a symptom of something...I need to look closely at what is making me angry....at the throw up....so to speak.

Is it people?

Hmmmmmmmmmmm...

Is it the way I see myself?

Hmmmmmmmmmmm...

What is it that makes me so angry?

It's simple.

Plain and simple.

But...sigh....I don't know if I want to think about that right now. Let's um...let's change the subject.

I just finished watching "Pay it Forward" on DVD. A really interesting movie. 'Course, I personally adore Kevin Spacey's acting...and you can't go wrong with Haley Joel Osment...and throwing in Jon Bon Jovi? THE Jon Bon Jovi?

Well...all I can say is that someone had me in mind when they made this film.

Tell 'em about the phone call...

I'm....I'm not talking to them. I'm talking to you, remember?

Tell 'em....it's funny!

It's not funny. It's sad. Tragic, kinda. Although I will admit that there's some irony there...

Go on...tell them about the phone call.

Okay...fine.

So I'm watching this movie...about this idea of doing something nice for someone...something that they can't do for themselves...to see what difference it would make in the world...to see if it would make it a better place...

I really don't want to talk about this...

Go on...it'll be fine.

In the middle of the movie, Jacob comes over with the phone. It's the clinic. Now, my daughter had an appt. scheduled at this clinic for tomorrow. Not with a doc...but with a dietitian. The scheduler tells me that our insurance plan doesn't cover dietitians...and bottom line...I have to pay $100 tomorrow out of my pocket or cancel the appt.

So I cancel the appt. We don't have that kind of money to spend on 'advice' right now...I can't justify it in my head.

Hannah is sitting on bed next to me...watching the movie.

"Was that the clinic?" she asks.

"Yes."

"What's going on? Why'd you cancel the appointment?"

I have to stop here....because lately....I've been very angry about everything! And this is just ONE MORE THING! All I've done is remind myself of how much I can screw things up. Of how I don't do enough...or have enough...or care enough...

Enough....enough.....enough.

Sometimes it seems like a losing battle, doesn't it? I mean....sometimes you're trying to "do the right thing"...and you're not able to...to do anything.

So...you know what you do?

I'm asking you. What do you do?

Well...I talk to myself...and by doing that....I change my perspective.

How? With gratitude, forgiveness, and a DQ Blizzard.

No...I'm kidding....kinda.

The Blizzard isn't really that helpful.

Hey, what do you know? Turns out I don't need a dietitian's advice after all!!

Ah...I'm feelin' a little better already.

My friends...you always have a chance to make a difference in someone's life. Will you continue to be angry...to hold back on forgiving...to forget what you do have in your life? Will you focus on the negative?

Or will you change your perspective?

Catch me if you can!

It still irks me when I think about it. To this day, I don't understand why I did what I did...and yet, looking back...I shouldn't have been surprised.

But I was.

Here's what happened: We were living in a trailer park at the time. I was a stay at home mom with my two kids. My son was 3 years old. He had a red tricycle.

One day he hopped onto the trike while we were in the yard, playing. His sister was away at pre-school that morning. I was on the cordless phone, in fact...talking away to someone, as I watched Jake play.

I watch him get on his trike and go west down our street. No biggie. He'd done that cartrillions of times. He ALWAYS turned around at the neighbor's bush and came back...to ride past our place to our other neighbor's bush. SOP (Standard Operating Procedure) for Jake.

So I'm watching him...ride the trike...as I'm talking...and he reaches the bush.


Except...

Except...

he doesn't turn around.

Okay...still not concerned...I walk into the street and watch him as I'm talking on the phone. He's just truckin' on his trike as fast as he can go!

Pedaling away...

not looking back...

and definitely not turning around...!

I start to follow him on foot...still talking on the phone...still expecting him to turn around. Or at least to stop...but he doesn't. He's almost to the end of the street now...and getting ready to turn right.

And I start to panic a little.

There's a speed limit for cars in the park of 10 mph...and the streets are really just wide sidewalks, for the most part...so it's not the traffic at this time of day that I'm really afraid about...it's his distance from me that is freaking me out.

I'm off the phone now, considering my options. I stop in the road and think, "I should get the car and go get him." But I'm afraid to take my eyes off of him for even a second and so I start walking really fast, believing still that he will turn around on his own and come back.

I swear the little stinker is pedaling faster!

I see some folks in their yard. "Stop him!" I think, in my head. "Can't you see that he's gone too far! That he's getting away from me?!"

They don't stop him. And why should they? He's not driving his trike recklessly...and I suppose they could see me following him. Or, perhaps, like most of us these days, they just didn't want to get involved.

At any rate, I'm really getting angry now...and almost running. WHY CAN'T I CATCH UP TO HIM! HE'S THREE! HE'S NOT AN OLYMPIC DECATHALON MEDALIST, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!
We are now about three streets over from our trailer. My brain cannot even understand how he got this far...and like the Energizer Bunny...Jake keeps going...and going....

I holler at someone else in their yard. I holler at Jake to stop!

Neither responds.

"This cannot be happening!" I think. I start to blame myself for my stupid decision to not get the car...that I should've stopped him sooner...etc...etc. Well, shouldawouldacoulda isn't helping right this minute.

And I am so mad at him!

How dare he pedal away from me...without asking! Just wait til his father gets home!!!
It's like, seven blocks away now...and he's slowing down. My adrenaline kicks into overdrive and I approach him quickly....like a freight train.

He sees me coming. And...

And smiles.

And then begins to pedal like he's never pedaled before!!!!

WHAT?? You think this is a game, little boy???

Sweat is streaming down my face...my heart is pounding...like the Incredible Hulk, I let out a blood-curdling roar.


STOPPPPP RIGHTTTTTT NOW!!!!!!

He stops.

And waits for me to limp up to him.

My hands are on my knees. I'm trying to catch my breath. And rant at the same time.

No real sound comes out.

Just...

"Ya...huff huff...you...no...ri...huff huff...yo...huff...ki....me...huff huff...thirty...huff huff...police station....huff huff...wish...huff...no...mercy."

His response?

"Mommy, I'm tired."

He holds up his little sweaty boychild hand to me.

"OH NO!" I find my mother's voice...it sounds very, very loud. "YOU WANTED TO RIDE YOUR TRIKE THIS FAR....YOU'RE GONNA RIDE IT ALL THE WAY BACK!!!"

And...as Jackie Gleason would say, "away we go....!"

No harm...no foul. Just a little boy enjoying a ride. And a mother...suddenly realizing how quickly her children can become independent...and how she does not have control over that.

And terrified. Purely, completely...terrified.

I thought, my friends, that I would never feel that way again.

Until last night.

When we bought our daughter her first cell phone.


I'm in the car next to her...and I hear myself reciting tengaprillion rules and regs on phone usage at her.

And it hits me like a ton of trikes.

She's riding down the street...just like Jake.

And I'm trying to keep up...to make sure nothing happens to her...but there's only so much I can do, you know?

After all...she's going to be in high school. She's not three years old, for crying out loud!

Oh, sure. I have some control over the phone business. I understand that. She even understands that. But I'm not able to keep up with her.

I'm not supposed to. That's not how growing up works. Really only one thing I can do.

And so, my friends....I do it earnestly...right now.

"Keep our kids close to you, Father. Thank you for giving them to us for the short time we have. Keep them safe when they ride away from us. And keep us sane...and mindful of Your love for children...and especially Your love for parents of high schoolers."

Can I get an Amen?

Clean up, Clean up...everybody do your share!

Sometimes I'm amazed by all the useless information I carry around in my head.

Sure, it's helpful in a trivia contest once in a while...but it makes me wonder what I could be putting in my head that might be more useful. More helpful...or healthy, maybe?

As I've been going through my home getting rid of stuff that really has no place or use anymore...well...it's got me to thinking about my mind and what's cluttering it up right now. I've got fifteen minutes. Let's de-clutter, you and I. Okay?

Great...here we are at the doorway to my mind...wow...it's a mess...where do we begin?

Ah...okay...if you'll step over that pile of 'never gonna happen' worries I've got...and follow me past that towering stack of 'times I've been right about something' reminders...oh! And watch your step there! That's a slippery mess of 'mistakes I can't seem to forgive myself for'. You slip into that and you'll be down for a few days, trust me!

Here's a garbage bag. Just toss them in there. Thanks.

What else can we get rid of? Oh...I know...there's this big ol' twelve volume set of Foolish Fantasies o' mine. I was gonna try and sell it on Ebay, you know....but I never got around to it.

Speaking of that...here's a poster. What's it say? "Procrastination-Do it NOW!" I don't really want that anymore...you can toss it.

Wait...what's this? A tiny, little locket?

Huh...I haven't seen this locket in a lonnnnnnnnnnnnnng time. Look how dusty it is.

What? What's in it?

Oh...just some things I'm grateful for. Nothing huge.

Sell it on Ebay? NO WAY! This is important to me. I don't want to part with it!

So why was it buried under those other things, if it's so important?

Hm....good question. You know what? Let's um....let's finish up this sinkful of algebraic symbols and go tackle the clutter in your MIND!

Argue all you want with me, friends...I've rarely used those!!! :)

Sudden Impact and Super Powers

I got an email from a college friend today. In it he mentioned our theatre professor, Dr. Golden. I hadn't thought of Dr. G for years...but as soon as I saw his name I was transported back in time and heard him say clearly, "Qvestions?"

Not "questions?"...like normal folk would say...but "Kvest-shuns?"...with like, a German accent. The first time I heard it was Freshman Year...and he always said it like that...as he sipped his Diet Pepsi.


Dr. G was an important person for me to listen to at that time of my life. He had a lot of information to share. So I paid attention. And his words shaped who I am now...

The other day I mentioned how people pleasing is a problem of mine. And while we should not give a lot of power TO people...they do have influence in our lives, whether we like it or not.

And we have influence in other's lives. Whether we realize it or not.

Got me thinking...about the others that have impacted my life with just a few words. Some were encouraging...

like my second grade teacher, Miss Knapp.

Some...like my high school algebra teacher, Mrs. Frisbie...were NOT encouraging.

Both voices, however, are still as clear as crystal in my mind. Both shaped my thinking...

Makes me wonder.

Makes me wonder how many folks are listening to my words in their mind...(perhaps going back several years even!)...and how they are still able to hear me...loud and clear.

It's sobering.

It's humbling.

It's...um...quite frankly....terrifying.

This past Sunday a good friend asked me which super power I'd like to have. And I said I'd like to be able to breathe underwater.

Mostly because I like being in the water...

and partly because I sorta kinda have this secret crush on Aquaman.


But as I consider that question now, I think it's safe to say that we all have a super power. The power of our words.

We can use them for good.

Or for evil.

Think about that.

We are not perfect people. We say stupid things. Sometimes we speak without thinking. Sometimes we speak without thinking about the consequences of sharing our secret Aquaman crush with our friends...

hm...

Your words have impact. They have power. Use them wisely, friends.

Now...are there any....qvestions?

Carrie Hears Her Who

My head is filled with things I want to say...or write...if you will.

Sorting the stuff out is always the hard part.

I think I can do it though. UNNNNNNH!

Anything written? No? Hm....maybe I can't do it. What's going on? I've sat here at my computer for about five days...er, okay...five minutes...sorting through things...and part of me is focusing on the cleverness of my writing skills.

"AH HA! Now THAT would be a good line! Write that down, C.!"

Part of me is focusing on the readers...what do I want readers to walk away with, you know?

And then...there's this tiny, little part of me...

this little part of me that is jumping up and down and shouting something...but I can't quite make it out. Can you hear it?

"What? What's that? I can't hear you!"

I lean in...closer to this little bit of a me.

And I hear it. Man, I feel kinda like an elephant in a Dr. Seuss story...hm...



Can you hear it?

What it's saying is sobering. I mean, I hadn't even realized that I WAS doing that!

Did you?

What I heard that tiny part of me saying was this: Stop paying attention to the P's! Stop paying attention to the P's!
OH! Oh....sigh...I know exactly what that means. Sheesh, I've heard it enough...but, because you may not, and because you're my friends, I'll let you in on it.

"Stop paying attention to PRIDE and PEOPLE!"
(There's another book possibility...although I don't believe Jane Austen's title was exactly that! Snort!)

Pride...

and People.

Those two things can hinder my writing SOOOOO many times! I can't even begin to tell you, my friends...how they get in my way.

Ergh!

You know what? Pride is not the same as a healthy self image, okay? Pride tells me that I am great...that it's by MY power that anything good comes out of ME...and that I don't need anyone else because, by golly....I am awesome! ALL by MYSELF!

Now...don't misunderstand me. I.am.awesome. I can do good...and I am great.

That's not the issue. However, you gotta read the fine print. Really listen to Pride. There's just a little bit that Pride says that is twisted. And wrong. And a lie.

It is not by my power that anything good comes out of me...nope. Not by a long shot.

And...and Pride tells me that I don't need anyone else.

Sigh. Pride is so pig-headed.

Pride, you see, doesn't listen to that tiny part of me.

Pride likes her own voice WAY too much. And, Pride's got a loud voice...making it easy to 'tune out' that tiny part of me.

It's a shame. But Pride's not alone! There are People!

I start listening to other people too much. Focusing on what they think about me and my writing instead of listening to that little part of me. You see, I'm supposed to care about people...but it's not my job to make them happy. That's where I get stuck sometimes. Where it becomes a jangled mess of sounds...and voices.

Pride tells me I don't need anyone else. And the People chime in and yell, "Yes! Carrie, you don't need anyone else! You just need to listen to us! We know you!"

But....I'm not so sure I believe them. I mean, if they did know me so well...they'd shut up and listen to that tiny part of me...right?

My own "Who"...if Dr. Seuss doesn't mind...

You see, I DO need Someone. And my worth...my self image...should be totally focused on what my Who thinks of me...not Pride...not People. My Who.

I need to spend time with my Who...and listen to my Who. Because what happens when I do?

My Who's less hard to hear! And His message is loud and clear!

And that is not the end,

My dear, hard-hearing friend,

You...

You yourself...

You can have a Who, too!