So my Mom had cataract surgery on Monday. Everything went fine...except that she's lost her debit card.
Well...I guess I lost her debit card. As I was the last one to 'see it alive' before it went missing. Without a trace.
(I gotta stop watching so many crime shows!)
I've looked everywhere for the stupid card. I can't find it. Sigh.
I felt really bad. And yesterday, when we realized it was gone....I felt even worse than awful. I badmouthed myself until I was blue in the face...I got all clenched up inside. And I was cranky (to say the least!)...and not really much fun to be around for a while.
Until I let it go!!!
Let go of what, you ask?
I let go of my 'control of things'...and I stoppped being so hard on myself and the fact that I am not perfect. I mess up. I do clumsy, irresponsible things. Not all the time, mind you...but just enough to remind me that I screw up.
I fail.
Do you ever fail?
How does that make you feel? Crummy?
Couple of thoughts: When it comes to God...He is not suprised by our failure. Not ever. When we have a relationship with Him...there is never a time that God says, "WHAT? C. LOST A DEBIT CARD? WHAT IS WRONG WITH HER? SHE CAN'T DO A THING RIGHT, I TELL YA! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO PUT UP WITH HER DISAPPOINTING ME? WELL...THAT'S IT! WE'RE DONE HERE! SHE ISN'T WORTH THE TROUBLE!"
(Now...sometimes I think He just shakes His head and rubs His temple at my behavior...but that may be all in my head...I dunno!) :)
Let's get back to the card. My losing the card is a fine example of how we think we have some control over our life...and yet...there are still variables that come into play that we didn't consider in our grand scheme of things.
We cannot anticipate every possible outcome. We do not know everything.
But when we think we have control...when a relatively intelligent, somewhat organized woman misplaces a debit card...and freaks when she cannot find it...even tho she is ALMOST SURE she gave it back to her Mom....well, it's not peaceful. It's chaotic. And it's a good reminder that we're wanting things our way...not God's way.
Recently someone commented about Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane. Was He disappointed in the disciples' behavior? I've been praying and thinking about this particular part of the Bible...and here's what I'd like to consider:
Jesus-disappointed or not (I'm still not sure I've come to a conclusion here), remembered the Big Picture...remembered that He had asked God in prayer that God's will be done...not Jesus'. And when He saw the disciples sleeping...He didn't say, "That's it! I'm through with you!" He used the moment to remind them to pray, to be alert...so they don't enter the danger zone.
I think I entered that danger zone yesterday. And while I wasn't in there for very long...there was still some 'damage' that was done...because I wasn't thinking of the big picture...I was focused on my own expectations and how I failed.
When our expectations aren't met...we aren't fun to be around. We become judgemental, angry, hard, bitter, annoyed, sad people. I was all of those things yesterday...at myself. And it shouldn't have been like that.
Why, you ask?
Consider this: while I was thinking of myself...and my failure...and my anger at losing the card...I may have fallen 'asleep'.
I may have missed an opportunity to be in the garden with God...
Do you understand that? When I live with expectations...I'm focused on me. When I have expectations of others, I'm focused on them. I'm keeping score...and determining who passes....and who fails.
But God...
God lives in expectancy...wanting us to share our lives with Him...not spend our valuable time 'doing' things to meet some criteria that says we're 'good'. It's the time that we spend with Him that helps us to be 'good'...not the things that we 'do'.
My friends, it's the relationship that is important to God...not the rules.
About Me
- C.
- I have always lived in Illinois...but I want to be in England. I have always wanted to be a mom...and I have two children. I have always had a fear of heights...so I try to stay grounded. I have always liked to laugh...so I do a pretty good job of making others do it. I have always liked to read...I have always loved to write...I have an ongoing love affair with ice cream. I do not care for: Tom Cruise, beets, snakes, pantyhose, rude customer service folks or Kevin Costner. I absolutely love: Sean Bean, trivia, my church, Britcoms on PBS, pizza, junior mints, Dentyne gum, scrapbooking, plants, and Tequila. Not necessarily in that order... I spend my days between being a Mom and Drama Director at Crossroads Church while still finding the time to hide from my dishwasher...and I spend most of my nights with my family. In fact, at 10 p.m. most evenings, you can frequently find me sitting on my bed with a word puzzle book, watching "Last of the Summer Wine" and giggling madly...
4 comments:
The good news is . . . the debit card can be replaced. This "failure", as you put it, is correctable. There will be some inconvenience, hopefully short-term, as the missing card is canceled and she waits for the new one to arrive.
Very interesting post, top to bottom. I think there's a big difference between allowing yourself to be imperfect and allowing yourself to be irresponsible. Irresponsible says, "It wasn't my fault." Irresponsible looks to assign blame elsewhere. Acceptance of imperfection says, "Wow, I really wish I hadn't done that, but I can't do anything about it now. All I can do is be more careful the next time I'm in a similar situation, and go about helping to rectify the situation." And sometimes, there's nothing you can do to rectify the situation.
In this situation, I think you did have some control here. However, whatever happened during the day caused one or both of you to take your attention off of where the card ended up. Mistakes happen.
As to Jesus and the disciples in the Garden, boy, the words He said sure sound like disappointment to me. Matthew 26:40 -- "Then he returned to his disciples and found them sleeping. 'Could you men not keep watch with me for one hour?' he asked Peter."
However, He did not beat them up over it. He warned them about staying alert and avoiding temptation, and He returned to prayer.
You know I'm really uncomfortable with the conclusions you've come to, re: expectations vs. expectancy. So I expect (hee-hee!) it won't surprise you that I bristled at the idea that having expectations is about keeping score and deciding who passes and fails. If I take everything you've written here (blog entries and comments) in regard to interpersonal relationships and summarize them, I think you're saying "Expectations can only result in disappointment, because no one is perfect enough to meet all expectations." Do you agree?
Your closing comment was a doozy. My friends, it's the relationship that is important to God...not the rules. I disagree. I believe that God expects (there's that word again) that as we draw closer to Him, become more like Him, the rules will matter less, because we will follow the rules more as a result of the growth of the relationship. However, the farther we are from His ideal (ahem . . . from His expectation), the more we need the rules. The rules show us the need for the relationship.
In writing the last sentence, I think maybe I agree that the relationship is what is important to God -- but I think the rules and commandments of God exist to make it clear what His expectations of us are in our relationship with Him and our relationships with others. I see them as an integral component to the relationship, not an either/or proposition.
Matthew 5:17 -- "Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I have not come to abolish them but to fulfill them."
Whaddya think?
DMc
Well written blog, C and post from dmc. I love the concluding question... what does it mean that the law is not abolished but fulfilled? May I jump in...
In the following I would equate rules with 'law' and relationship with 'faith'.
In fulfilling the law, Jesus has done what we could never do. Romans 7 and 8, Galatians 2 and 3 indicate that the law is designed to show us our need for forgiveness. Then after accepting what Christ did in fulfilling the law, why would we want to go back to being under the law?
Faith is what matters most or 'counts' as Paul says at the end of Galatians. And genuine faith will be expressed through love, which will be following the law (rules). However, the order of that process is faith leading to action.
Read through those chapters and tell me how you see it.
I realize I'm walking a fine line here, but I wasn't saying that anyone who's been saved by the blood of Christ *wants* to go back to living *under* the Law. I am saying that the Law still exists. The rules of the Law are still there.
I'm not saying that following the Law exactly will get you into Heaven -- Jesus is the only way to get there. But if one loves Jesus and yet disregards the Law, there is a disconnect.
The rules of the Law (don't murder, don't still, don't commit adultery, don't covet) serve as good reminders (and reminders of good) of what to guard against, just like Jesus' reminder to the disciples in the Garden. The rules themselves do not have the power to save -- that's what faith in Jesus Christ is for. However, ignoring the rules (by anyone, Christians and non-Christians alike) does increase the chances of someone landing in precarious situations, with potentially devastating consequences to all of their relationships, with people and with God.
I hope that I have not communicated at any time that I think following the rules is a substitute for faith in Christ, nor that I think following the rules is superior to relationship with God. However, I think the modern day Church is very anxious to throw off the idea of being responsible for our own words and actions, and I believe that "throwing off" is often done by invoking our freedom in Christ.
DMc
Hi, back again... this really is great topic. I need to speak on this one of these days when I become more artiulate.
This morning I see it as two sides of a circle in which believers can go around and around:
1. Knowing that we are unconditionally loved and forgiven, we are tempted to think that our sin no longer matters.
2. Knowing that our sin still matters, we are tempted to think that God's love and forgiveness are contingent on our actions.
What do you think of that???
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