So...I thought we'd think about these a little more this week. I realize that perhaps you have not read The Shack...and maybe I'm making assumptions of you (or have expecatations??) and need to clarify my ideas. Even if I don't have to clarify...this fascinates me; so I'm going to enjoy talking more about it.
And I have a selfish reason. I don't want to wash my dishes.
As I have done in the past, I'm going to ask dictionary.com to help me with the literal meaning of words.
Here's one definition of expectations.
Expectations: Prospects, especially of success or gain.
Ah, excellent! This is great. My friends, that is what I want us to focus on for a moment.
Notice what the dictionary says: "especially of success or gain".
Interesting. When we have an expectation, dictionary.com indicates that that expectation is for success or gain.
In other words, "I will gain something from this expectation. And it will be a good something. I will benefit from having this expectation met in a successful way."
I think I can safely say that most 'good' expectations come from repeated 'good' actions getting repeated 'good' (or successful) results.
Majority wins, yes?
For example, let's say I have dirty dishes in the sink.
I ask my daughter to wash the dishes on Monday evening.
And she does. The dishes are done! WOO HOO!
Success! My instructions were followed, and something good came from that.
When I give instructions to my children and they follow my instructions, learning/doing something 'good'...I am pleased and I will expect them to do the same thing next time.
Okay...so now it's Tuesday night. And I ask Hannah to wash the dishes.
And again, lo and behold...she does what I ask.
Excellent! Success again!
So the next time I give instructions to my children and they follow them and again...the outcome is successful. WOO HOO! I am doing something right....my kids are doing something right...and it's all good. So I write the expectation down in my head.
Hannah washes the dishes four nights in a row. In fact, on Thursday, I didn't even ask. She just did it.
Again. It's good. My instructions are being followed. She knows what I want! I don't even have to ask her. She just does it.
BRILLIANT!
Now it's Friday. I walk into the kitchen...with the expectation that Hannah has done the dishes just like she has done for the past four evenings and...
and...
there are dirty dishes in the sink and Hannah is nowhere to be found.
This time...there is not success. What has happened here? Did Hannah forget? Weren't my instructions clear? I mean, I didn't even have to ask her to do them last night and she did them anyway! What is going on?
I am not happy.
My 'good' instructions were not followed. And because my instructions weren't followed...I'm going to have a talk with Hannah. Because this is not acceptable. It's not good.
My expectation has not been met in a positive way. It.is.not.good.
I am not happy with the outcome. I am not happy with my kids. In fact, you know what?? I may punish Hannah for not following my instruction. She knew the instructions I gave her and didn't follow them.
Now. Deep breath here.
Re-read that whole example of Hannah and the dishes. I'll wait.
*muzak plays softly in the background. C. sings robustly with Air Supply's 'All out of Love'*
Did you notice how much the word "I" (in various forms) was used??
About 30 times.
"My" and "I". "I" am in control of things. I gave the instruction. I bought the dishes. And....and...I even gave birth to the kid for crying out loud!
It was me! I am in control of this situation.
Or at least, one would think that I would be in control of this situation.
And it wasn't a bad thing! I mean, it's not like I asked Hannah to do something hurtful!
It should have worked out! While it was good, while it was successful...while the dishes were getting washed each night...I felt like I had control.
What happened to my control on Friday? Didn't Hannah know I was in control of the dishes? I thought she did. I gave her the dishes to do...and she didn't do them.
I should have control over Hannah...as I mentioned...I MADE her!!
For some reason I don't know....Hannah over-rode my expectation by not following my instruction. She did what SHE wanted...not what I wanted!!!
And what happened then? Not anything good, I can tell you that! Because my expectation was a good one...and should have been obeyed.
It's not fair!
Where is the joy when your expectation is NOT met?
I can't see the future...hm...I don't know if Hannah's going to make that mistake again or not....hm....and hm....I guess that I am not really in control of things like I thought I was.
My friends....I know that this is long...we'll look at this some more tomorrow.
I'm going to leave you with this thought:
Expectations come from our selfish desires that the things we want...the people we deal with...the situations we find ourselves in are met with success in our favor. Because when those expectations are met to our satisfaction, we think we're in control.
But...sadly...we are not in control. Not really. Because people are involved...and people are surprising...and people make mistakes. We can't make them do the things we want.
And experience joy. Not consistently, anyway.
Again, we are not in control.
Only God is.
God is.
Dishes...joy. Hm....guess I gotta go do those dishes now. You have a good day!
7 comments:
C,
I've got two questions (well, actually, I've got lots more than two, but these two will start the discussion in an interesting direction):
1 - Is it reasonable to have an expectation that someone who claims to be a Christian will tell you the truth any given time you talk to them?
2 - Is it a selfish desire to expect that someone who claims to be a Christian will tell you the truth any given time you talk to them?
I had a discussion with someone this weekend. The discussion involved some challenging topics, where the other person could easily have gotten defensive and shut down the conversation. In fact, I expected this person to have that reaction. However, I was pleasantly surprised that the other person was mostly not defensive. (Boy, that sentence was awkward, but I don't know how to word it better right now.) In other words, I had expectations of a negative outcome, but was surprised and pleased by a positive outcome.
Looking forward to the discussion.
DMc
Thank you, Carrie, for these postings on the subject of expectations. Whether it is with dish washing or toilet seat lid closing or more serious scenarios, it is important to be aware of our expectations - and understand what an expectation really is.
Nice questions, DMc...
C, any thoughts on those? I have more questions on the questions, but I'd love to hear your response first. : )
Hey... I'm glad you're asking me to examine this stuff.
1 - Is it reasonable to have an expectation that someone who claims to be a Christian will tell you the truth any given time you talk to them?
C: First of all, 'reasonable' vs. 'unreasonable expectations' is subjective. Someone has to determine which expectation is which, yes? Also, to expect a Christian (or one who claims to be one) to tell the truth is to also expect them to not fail or make a mistake. Which people do all the time. (make mistakes, I mean). So it's not an 'reasonable' expectation, is it? :) We don't have control over people. What happens when they don't tell the truth? We're disappointed. What happens when they DO tell the truth? We're pleased because our selfish expectation has been met by someone else (whether intentionally or unintentionally). I know that there are universal 'rules' that are generally agreed upon because they have been proven over time. And I understand that there are things that we could 'expect'...because they've been consistently moving in one direction or another. Like the sun rising in the east...or the life cycle of a housefly. Or two plus two equalling four. It's logical. But there's this other side that is not logical. That's not under our control...so what do we do with that? Let's say we have planted corn every year for twelve years and in those twelve years we have had 'good' crop production. But the thirteenth year, there's a drought and we don't have any corn...even tho we did everything the same way we've done it for the past twelve years. Having a good crop is a reasonable expectation then, yes? But when our expectation of a good crop (that is now a bad crop!) is not met...it leaves us disappointed... and why are we disappointed? Because it reminds us that we are not in control. Things did not go "our" way. We can't control the weather any more than we can control people. Where I wanted to go with expectations is this idea that we think we have control over things (people, whatever). And how potentially damaging our expectations can be, both to others and ourselves. I don't think that having expectations is a "good" thing...because it hurts our relationships and breaks them down when things don't go "our" way. Expectations trap us and trap others. We (humans in general) are selfish. Our sinful nature is selfish. When 'our will is done', when our expectation is met....then we're okay. We can't control things...and people make mistakes...even when we 'do' what we're supposed to and have what we'd call reasonable expectations. My answer to your question is no. I don't believe that the expectation that Christians will tell the truth is a reasonable one. Because I can't control people...I don't really know what they will do. 2 - Is it a selfish desire to expect that someone who claims to be a Christian will tell you the truth any given time you talk to them?
I say yes to this question. We want someone to behave a certain way. We want the control. That's selfish desire.
Nicely said!
Is it really selfish of me to expect that a Christian (or, if you prefer, Christ-follower, as is trendy today) will tell me the truth? The New Testament is filled with exhortations about truth. Romans 1 talks about the godless and wicked who suppress the truth. Acts 5 gives the account of Ananias & Sapphira, whose lives were taken by God because they lied to their community of believers about the amount of a donation they gave being the full proceeds of a sale of property. Jesus says, "I am the way, the truth and the life." (John 14:6) If the Bible is the manual for Christian living, the standard for truth in the Christian life is very high.
I think you've taken my word "expect" and taken it to mean "absolute, no exceptions". And in part, because you know me, that's reasonable. :-) I live very much in ideals, which means I have to examine my expectations on a daily (hourly?) basis. But I'm not talking about absolutes from now till forever.
A discussion of expectations can become a mathemeatical discussion about probabilities -- is there a 99.5% expectation or probability that a Christian will tell you the truth? Or is it 90%? 93.4%? Sadly, it varies for each person.
But when I'm talking about one person and one particular conversation, given the Bible's instruction on telling the truth and the value that Jesus himself placed on truth, if I cannot expect overwhelmingly that a Christian will tell the truth, then what is the difference between a Christian and a non-Christian?
There are other aspects here: remorse, confession and repentance, a request for forgiveness, an acknowledgment of the wrong committed. These things are all appropriate responses of a Christian who (a) tells a lie, and (b) recognizes it and/or is confronted on it. Those reactions could delineate between a Christian and a non-Christian.
I guess I just want to say that if you tell me you're a Christian, and then you lie to me later, I'm going to be disappointed, because I have the high expectation that a Christian will not lie to me.
And I have that expectation *because* the genuine Christian life is a calling to move toward holiness: more devotion to Christ, more time spent in praise and prayer (not because you're checking off a to-do list item but because of the growth of the relationship with Christ), more walking in the Spirit, more denial of self, less of the things of this world. I think a decrease of lying, till lying approaches 0 (a little calculus for you and Hannah, there, C), fits into this idea of moving toward holiness.
DMc
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